Alice's Rabbit Hole

Well here I am - back down in Alice's Rabbit Hole. This time I knew I was going to tumble down it as I took a stand for my son to remove his habit paraphernalia from our home. I took this stand for me as I had been the subject of verbal abuse the day before and was just fed up. Well - the definition of insanity is to doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So why did I do something that I knew would create a violent outrage? Why did I do it when I was still quite fragile? This is the question that has me back down the rabbit hole again. I have been the subject of physical and emotional abuse in the past and have done a good deal of work to shift the victim imprint. I had thought I was much healthier until my son reignited the old patterns.

The struggle I am having is that my son is using weed daily to deal with his issues. I don't want to use the word 'addicted' because that label is so disempowering and not helpful for 16 year olds. I have had my own issues with addiction, being sober now for 21 years. My son knows he has a problem in that he acknowledges that he has a habit - however weed itself isn't addictive according to him and his friends. He says he needs the weed to stay in school which he says he wants to do to get his life back on track. That is why I haven't 'poked the bear' since September as I wanted him to get a routine and rhythm under his belt so he could start moving away from the drugs - which he said he would do. The issue is the drug related behaviour, disrespect and the violence. Only I can make the decision.

So here are my choices - I tell him his choices have led him to no longer be able to live at home if he insists on smoking up in his room and continue with the violent and disrespectful behaviour. He will tell me that he will then quit school and start selling weed again as he will have to do that to survive. I have to then tell him that this is his choice.

The other option is I let him stay, which will mean he will stay in school, which could lead him to making some new choices as I know he really doesn't like his life right now. This decision also means that I end up having to put up with a situation I find very difficult as well as having a human minefield in my home again. I am having to make this choice at a time when I feel broken and living a nightmare. There has to be another way out of the Rabbit Hole.