Mother's Day

This is a bittersweet kind of day. On one hand, it is a day when I can be so very grateful for the opportunity to experience being a mother this lifetime to two sons who occupy opposite ends of a spectrum. On the other, I desperately miss my own mother who left the physical world in 2006.

I am no longer clear what being a mother means. Sometimes it feels like it shifts daily. When my boys were young it actually seemed very straight forward. They depended on me for food, shelter, entertainment, drives,hugs and lots of 'no's'. As they grew older, that role became increasingly blurred. Motherhood at times feels like the weather - constantly shifting, changing - sometimes stormy, and others beautiful and calm.

Motherhood has a great deal of irony. I recently asked my very independent 27 year old son, whose career at sea takes him out of the country most of the year, what his needs were of me. He said it was simple: 'just be there for me'. It feels so much easier to physically 'do things' for them. 'Being there', as weird as it seems, feels so much more complex. It entails loving unconditionally no matter what happens. Standing by them when they are truly struggling in life, and NOT going in to rescue them. Providing advice only when it is asked for and in ways that are unique to each child. Watching as they make difficult choices and sometimes choosing paths you had stumbled down that you wished you hadn't.

My 17 year old son has been teaching me another facet of motherhood. He has the uncanny ability to ignite the old patterns in me that are worn, torn, tired, and needing to change. He is very clear what type of parenting he needs, and I wish I had cameras on when he gets started because he has become such an authority on the subject. He knows exactly what I should say in high conflict engagements, or what I should do in highly dysfunctional situations, or how calm I should be when it is the 6th time I have tried to wake him up on a school day and he gets very angry. I must say it is at times challenging to live with such a parental expert.

My last thought on this Mother's Day is about my own Mum. I cannot believe how much grief I brought my own parents, and how much stress I created. My antics are legendary so it only makes sense that I would be 'blessed' with the same experience as a parent. What is so very clear though is the feeling of absolute love and acceptance my Mum gave no matter what I did. She may have had an initial flareup - but very soon after there would be the open arms of 'I'm here for you'. In reflection, she was an expert in 'being there'. Happy Mother's Day Mummy. Your loving wisdom lives on....