Well here I am - back down in Alice's Rabbit Hole. This time I knew I was going to tumble down it as I took a stand for my son to remove his habit paraphernalia from our home. I took this stand for me as I had been the subject of verbal abuse the day before and was just fed up. Well - the definition of insanity is to doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So why did I do something that I knew would create a violent outrage? Why did I do it when I was still quite fragile? This is the question that has me back down the rabbit hole again. I have been the subject of physical and emotional abuse in the past and have done a good deal of work to shift the victim imprint. I had thought I was much healthier until my son reignited the old patterns.
The struggle I am having is that my son is using weed daily to deal with his issues. I don't want to use the word 'addicted' because that label is so disempowering and not helpful for 16 year olds. I have had my own issues with addiction, being sober now for 21 years. My son knows he has a problem in that he acknowledges that he has a habit - however weed itself isn't addictive according to him and his friends. He says he needs the weed to stay in school which he says he wants to do to get his life back on track. That is why I haven't 'poked the bear' since September as I wanted him to get a routine and rhythm under his belt so he could start moving away from the drugs - which he said he would do. The issue is the drug related behaviour, disrespect and the violence. Only I can make the decision.
So here are my choices - I tell him his choices have led him to no longer be able to live at home if he insists on smoking up in his room and continue with the violent and disrespectful behaviour. He will tell me that he will then quit school and start selling weed again as he will have to do that to survive. I have to then tell him that this is his choice.
The other option is I let him stay, which will mean he will stay in school, which could lead him to making some new choices as I know he really doesn't like his life right now. This decision also means that I end up having to put up with a situation I find very difficult as well as having a human minefield in my home again. I am having to make this choice at a time when I feel broken and living a nightmare. There has to be another way out of the Rabbit Hole.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
A Gentle Anniversary
Today is the third anniversary of our Mum's death. I looked up what gifts you give on a third anniversary - it is leather. I suppose that makes sense because we have had to get tougher skin over the last three years. Since our Mum left, she has been joined by two uncles - Nels and Bernie, an aunt - Margaret, grandmothers to 3 of her grandchildren - Clara and Vera, and all too early her son-in-law Greg. It is getting crowded at the after-life dinner table.
I had thought that today would be a difficult one but it has been one of gentle reflection. I decided to look at the past three years of what has happened with Mum's loving watching over.
Two grandchildren have graduated high school, one finding a vocation and the other university; two grandchildren have started high school, one challenging the educational and legal systems with everything he has, the other so busy with Air Cadets, Band and hockey he needs a roster of four family members as drivers.
Mum has watched the strengthening of careers of two other grandchildren - one as a very popular journalist, and another as a First Officer most recently navigating the world's largest cruise ship, who is also engaged to be married. Her eldest grandson has continued his deep soul searching and has now heard the calling of being a paramedic. In her own children she has seen her eldest lose her husband, and her youngest find real happiness in a common-law relationship.
Mum has watched her husband shift his care-giving from her to being a vital connector of our family - always on the go - an enthusiastic fan at hockey games, marches and band performances, visiting his out-of-town children every season and being there for all his children while they work through life's challenges - often with surprising compassionate advice. At 88 he has taken up painting and has become very good very quickly.
And so - as we acknowledge Mum's transition from being a physical presence to being a spiritual one three years ago, I know she is smiling. When I checked in with her today, I immediately got the feeling of what it was like at Christmas time when my sister and I were 6 or 7 and we were waiting for our crazy relatives to arrive. It was a time of great anticipation, home artwork all over the walls celebrating the season, and lots of music. The air was full of joy of being together as well as hope for that special gift. I could feel her telling me that life is so much more meaningful when we live our lives from that place. Our Mum is so wise - as our darling brother said on the day of her death - she has taught us well. There isn't a day go by when I don't talk to her and some days I crave her hand to hold, but I know she lives on - in us, around us, through us - here's to you Dear Octopus.
I had thought that today would be a difficult one but it has been one of gentle reflection. I decided to look at the past three years of what has happened with Mum's loving watching over.
Two grandchildren have graduated high school, one finding a vocation and the other university; two grandchildren have started high school, one challenging the educational and legal systems with everything he has, the other so busy with Air Cadets, Band and hockey he needs a roster of four family members as drivers.
Mum has watched the strengthening of careers of two other grandchildren - one as a very popular journalist, and another as a First Officer most recently navigating the world's largest cruise ship, who is also engaged to be married. Her eldest grandson has continued his deep soul searching and has now heard the calling of being a paramedic. In her own children she has seen her eldest lose her husband, and her youngest find real happiness in a common-law relationship.
Mum has watched her husband shift his care-giving from her to being a vital connector of our family - always on the go - an enthusiastic fan at hockey games, marches and band performances, visiting his out-of-town children every season and being there for all his children while they work through life's challenges - often with surprising compassionate advice. At 88 he has taken up painting and has become very good very quickly.
And so - as we acknowledge Mum's transition from being a physical presence to being a spiritual one three years ago, I know she is smiling. When I checked in with her today, I immediately got the feeling of what it was like at Christmas time when my sister and I were 6 or 7 and we were waiting for our crazy relatives to arrive. It was a time of great anticipation, home artwork all over the walls celebrating the season, and lots of music. The air was full of joy of being together as well as hope for that special gift. I could feel her telling me that life is so much more meaningful when we live our lives from that place. Our Mum is so wise - as our darling brother said on the day of her death - she has taught us well. There isn't a day go by when I don't talk to her and some days I crave her hand to hold, but I know she lives on - in us, around us, through us - here's to you Dear Octopus.
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